My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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