I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
