why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
