this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im having a threesome with these popsicles
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
