dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
