I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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