The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
