Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
