Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
