We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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