Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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