her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
