we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
