I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
