If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
