Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
