Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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