I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
