I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
