I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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