mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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