Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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