yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel great
I just peed on a car
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
