well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
