how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
