This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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