im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
