he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
