I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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