If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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