Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
