i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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