I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
