Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
