She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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