If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
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