Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
