After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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