i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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