Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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