Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
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