I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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