Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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