I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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