I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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