I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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