Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
