Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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