I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
