I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
